your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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