I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
