Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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