is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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