There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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