Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Soap is not a condiment
You can't motorboat a personality
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
