also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
