Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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