none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
