I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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