here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Boobs are out for the taking
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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