The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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