$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Randomize
