It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
