the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
