you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
