I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
