I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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