I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
