I think I won the penis lottery.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
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I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
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Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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