ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
