Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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