just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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