i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
