Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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