Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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