Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
