I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
