Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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