I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
