the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
