He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
