So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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