Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
