I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
