Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Someone came in the potted fern
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
