he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
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Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
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Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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