It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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