apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
