I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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