go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
