Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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