Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
