OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
