i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
