Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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