i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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