When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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