i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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