isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
