dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
