It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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