I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
