I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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