Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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